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Sunday, April 22nd, 2007
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10:03 pm - WOW!! Almost 2 years...
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I guess I didn't realize it had been so awful long since the last time I posted here.
I am alive and living as a (still) single parent of my beautiful little grrrl, Averie. We are living in Hell...er...um...I mean...New Jersey, still. I was well on my way to moving us back to Texas, when my Dad had to have open heart surgery and then in the midst of that he was diagnosed with lung cancer. It's stage 2 adenocarcinoma of the lung (one lung-no metastases). It's treatable and possibly, with more aggressive treatment, curable (remission). He, being 68-going on 69, wants absolutely nothing-NOTHING to do with any kind of treatment. When asked what kind of treatment he is comfortable with he says he is not planning on living very long. Well, OK Dad. Thank you very much.
Moving on, I am quitting smoking...(see above wake up call). It is incredibly difficult. It doesn't make sense that I can kick "hard" stuff but not these damn cigarettes. My love life is a mess and I can't stand my apartment anymore. On the bright side of this whole thing, I am loving my job. I am a plan accountant for a national 401(k)/life insurance company. The money is nice (could always be nicer, of course). The hours are great. I am home every night between 5 and 5:30 so I can make supper for the Averie monster and play with her before she gets her bath and goes night night.
So, good and bad, my life is...well, life.
How are all of you?
current mood:  sleepy
current music: Tammy Cochran~ Life Happened
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, October 20th, 2005
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12:26 am - A Mystery Wrapped in an Enigma
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I sit here and think about him. I drive and think about him. I sleep and I think about him. He says he wants to be with me. He says he wants to be in our lives. And yet, he makes no attempt to make it real. He comes and goes. Sometimes I hear from him and other times it's as if I don't exist to him. He came to my house in the early dawn hours so that he could hold me while I alternated between sleep and crying. He is amazing and frustrating all in the same breath. Why do we keep walking away from each other?
current mood:  contemplative
current music: If You Were Mine~ Cyndi Thompson
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, September 5th, 2005
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2:34 pm - You are molten silver streaming through a jet black night...
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You know that ONE, who the mere thought of, brings such a smile to your face that others would think that you were a child on Christmas eve who just witnessed Santa Claus climbing up the chimney?
You know that ONE, that makes your belly swim full of butterflies everytime they hold you close?
You know that ONE, that the simple sound of their voice of can make your body burn with fire and fluid?
Yeah...You know that
ONE.
current mood:  enthralled
current music: Norah Jones~Come Away With Me
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, April 19th, 2005
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10:43 pm - Words escape me...
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Here I am in my crazy lil world, thinking that the sky is falling because I am a single mother who struggles everyday to keep her head above water so that she can give her lil one a good life. After reading a friend's post, I have come to realize 2 things.
1) I am one one of many single parents. Why am I so special and unique?
and
2) I am selfish for thinking that my problems are so horrible. My problems pale in comparison to hers and are curable at some point in the future. Hers are touch and go. So to you, ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) smileystickman, I say this...</span>
</strong>
</strong>
</strong>
</font></font></font></strong>xoxo
</strong>
current mood:  embarrassed
current music: Down Home~ Julie Roberts
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, December 19th, 2004
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9:16 pm - Eureka!! I'm found!!
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Yes! I'm still alive.
Yes! I'm still in NJ.
Yes! It still sucks! (But not that bad anymore.)
Averie and I have just moved into our new apartment...by ourselves.
Yes that's right folks! Dani is on the divorcee list. It hasn't been filed yet, but the Piece Of Shit never came up to NJ. (What a surprise.) He hasn't acknowledged his daughter, the fucker. And the child support office is moving slower than a herd of turtles through peanut butter in winter time.
I have a new job. I work in a pet hospital in South Philadelphia called Banfield. It's inside Petsmart. I absolutely love it. With the new year ahead it's on to BIGGER and BETTER things.
I hope all of you are doing well and that you have a beautiful holiday.
current mood:  bouncy
current music: football game in the background
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, August 8th, 2004
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9:03 am
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Have I mentioned that New Jersey SUCKS???
current mood:  discontent
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(comment on this)
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8:47 am - When did life get so complicated?
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It is decided...I really don't care too much for all this adultness.
I got myself a job. I am the head of the Art Department for a craft store called A.C. Moore. I kinda like it there for I actually know a lot about what I'm talking about when explaining products to customers instead of just BSing through it. I like it there too because of one particular person, who makes the day fun, easy, and fast. When this person is off, the day is boring and hellishly slow. The down side to this job? Shitty money and no benefits.
I don't make enough to get us a place to live before Shane comes up. It would take every penny of all of my paychecks for 3 months to afford a deposit for even the cheapest apartment up here. So in the mean time, Averie and I are stuck moving like cattle from one place to another until he gets here with all of our worldly possessions and a big chunk of money from the US Army. This is really no way to raise a child. Thankfully, we only have to do this for another month. (Which is still way too long)
The other day I had to shell out over $300 to get my car fixed. And come September, I'll have to pay for daycare. So, pretty much I'll be working to pay for gas to get to work so that I have money to leave my precious Lil Averie Mama with a stranger.
WTF???
current mood:  bitchy
current music: Gretchen Wilson~Red Neck Woman
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(7 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, July 12th, 2004
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4:50 pm - New Jersey SUCKS!!
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I can say that because I grew up here.
Shane is working on getting out of the Army. Meanwhile, Averie and I are up here in New jersey looking for houses and a job. I've been here only a week and already I want to leave and come back only for visits to see my family and friends. However, my husband has it in his head that this is where we will get our best start in civilian life. I think I will ask him if he is smoking crack!
The following is in no specific order.
The roads are horrible.
The drivers...even worse.
The price of anything...way more than anyone should have to pay.
I can't pump my own gas and get hollered at or glared at everytime I forget and try to.
They don't bag your groceries here. They stare at you and ask, "Are you going to take your stuff or what?" (While I'm holding a squirming, screaming, sleepy, cranky Averie and my purse in my arms.)
Just about everyone is rude as hell and make you feel that you are not good/cool/wealthy/pretty/skinny, etc. enough to even be in their presence.(disclaimer: there are a few exceptions to the rule)
There are so many things that I could go on about that you'd be reading for days. So I will spare you the rest of the details and leave it to your own imagination.
So how is everyone anyway?
current music: the sound of rain falling the sky
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(7 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, February 6th, 2004
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10:18 am
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With the exception of my beautiful new friend's birthday party, my weekend sucked big, hair, monkey balls. (Thank you, Laura, for a good time with you and your friends.)
It sucked especially when I came to find that on a weekend he was supposed to be alone and "finding himself", he found himself in the bed of another woman... Twice.
current mood: embarrassed, furious, etc.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, January 20th, 2004
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11:08 am - No more birthdays for me
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I must admit that last year's birthday was a million times better than this year. (Which, incidentally, is today.)
Last year, I was almost 6 months pregnant and we received word that Shane would be going to war sometime in the near future. I spent the day crying and pacing back and forth in my living room.
This year, I was thrown a birthday party (this past Saturday night) by people who were supposed to be friends. My present? My present this year was to find out that my husband's lips have been planted on another woman's lips.
HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY TO YOU, DANIELLE!!!
current mood: numb
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, January 19th, 2004
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12:07 pm
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I always said that'd be it
That I wouldn't stick around
If it ever came to this
Here I am, so confused
How am I supposed to leave
When I can't even move
In the time it would'a took to say
'Honey, I'm home, how was your day?'
You dropped a bomb right where we live
And just expect me to...
Forgive
Well, that's a mighty big word
For such a small man
And I'm not sure I can
'Cause I don't even know now who I am
It's too soon for me to say 'Forgive'
I should ask, but I won't
Was it love or just her touch
'Cause I don't think I wanna know
So get you some things and get out
Don't call me for a day or two
So I can sort this out
Well, you might as well have ripped the life
Right out of me right here tonight
When through the fallin' tears you said
Can you ever just...
You know what they say
Forgive and forget
Relive and regret
Oh, it's too soon for me to say 'Forgive'
current mood:  confused
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, September 4th, 2003
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1:15 am
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An hour of sleep...
Wake up crying and calling out for him in cold sweat.
Another hour of sleep...
Wake again from another nightmare.
(Repeat throughout the night since Saturday.)
I was painting my living room. He was on the verge of a watery grave and walking with God. Wet, scared and resigned to the fact the he wouldn't be coming to me and Averie, he found peace before they pulled him free to fresh air. Another was not so lucky. A different baby will never know their father. Thank you Lord for not calling my husband home to you.
current mood:  restless
current music: shocked, terrified, hallucinating
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, July 18th, 2003
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3:08 pm - From the mouth's of babes...
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Hang in there!
To most, I seem like I have it all together. Well guess what folks? I don't. Out of everyone I know, I probably have things least together.
Everyone tells me "Hang in there!" I don't want to hang in there anymore. I want to sleep until he comes home. They say "Be strong." I have been "strong" for 26 years and for once I don't want to "be strong" anymore. Why am I always the one that has to "be strong?"
Pride swallowing hurts and is hard to digest. 13 years no medication. 13 years...half of my life. I have to be in one piece when he comes home.
current mood: unstable
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, July 16th, 2003
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11:51 am - It's one thing to hear...
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from Shane about coming under firing daily. It's another to read it in black and white from the Brigade Commander.
``People have taken to heart that this is a lethal environment,'' said Col. David Hogg, commander of the Baqouba-based 2nd Brigade.
Hogg, whose headquarters ************* Balad also comes under mortar fire, has responded by firing 120 mm artillery rounds at suspected mortar sites. ``It sends a message to the knuckleheads that we're not just sitting ducks,'' he said
current music: my daughter's deep sleepy breathing
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, July 15th, 2003
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7:51 pm - this means i will stay insane longer
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FALLUJA, Iraq, July 15 — Under fire and unwanted by Iraqis, soldiers in the U.S. 3rd Infantry Division in this volatile town were bitterly disappointed Tuesday by a decision to keep them in Iraq indefinitely.
“IT’S A BIG shock,” said Sgt. Josh Holt of Montgomery, Ala.
Facing mounting threats in Iraq, the U.S. military said on Monday thousands of soldiers from the 3rd Infantry Division (Mechanized) would stay in the country indefinitely despite recently announced plans to send them home by next fall at the latest.
U.S. Central Command gave a glimmer of hope Tuesday, releasing a statement saying it “remains committed to the complete return” of the division by September — “pending international or U.S. replacement units.”
The statement added a further caveat: “As always, the security situation could affect deployments and redeployments.”
The division was the first U.S. unit to enter Baghdad during the war and has been in the Persian Gulf region since September. Thirty-seven soldiers from the division have been killed in the war and its aftermath.
U.S. troops have come under fire from loyalists of toppled Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein, armed gangs and those seeking revenge for relatives killed by U.S. troops.
“It has been tough. I have had to take a 7-year-old child home whose father we killed in an exchange of fire,” said Holt. “The family just cried. They just cried. I am sure they will try to get revenge. That is the way it works in Iraq.”
‘WE ARE DEMOTIVATED’
Having heard several times that they would be heading home in the months ahead, 3rd Infantry soldiers were stunned by news that the gritty streets of Falluja would be home for the foreseeable future.
“We were told three times we would be going home in a couple of months. It is not a good time to announce this. We are demotivated,” said Sgt. Chris Grisham, a military intelligence officer.
The commander of the 3rd Infantry division, Maj.-Gen. Buford Blount, said U.S. troops, including himself, were ready to go home but needed to remained committed to their task.
“These soldiers have been here about 10 months after training hard in the desert for six months. They are doing hard work,” he told Reuters Television. “They are doing a good job here. Morale is good. We are trying to get them out of here. But they have to stay focused on the mission.”
Blount said last week he hoped the division’s 1st and 2nd Brigade Combat Teams of roughly 9,000 soldiers could return home to Fort Stewart, Ga., within the next six weeks.
But homecomings for those soldiers, as well as the division’s 3rd Squadron, 7th Cavalry Regiment, have now been postponed indefinitely, Fort Stewart spokesman Richard Olson said Monday.
“Now, that time frame has basically gone away, and there is no time frame,” Olson said.
‘NO STABILITY’
“It’s damned obvious why they’re not coming home as promised - there’s no stability in place yet,” in Iraq, an Army official told NBC News’ Jim Miklaszewski.
Several thousand other 3rd Infantry troops, including the 3rd Brigade Combat Team based at Fort Benning in Columbus, Ga., began returning last week. Their homecomings are not affected.
The 3rd Infantry shoulders a heavy burden in the effort to stabilize Iraq, controlling restive towns like Falluja, where anti-American sentiment is simmering and U.S. troops are attacked nearly every day.
U.S. soldiers are training Iraqi police to eventually take over in Falluja. But policemen have demonstrated against the U.S. presence and want the Americans to leave now.
American soldiers were not the only ones angered by the decision to keep them in Iraq. Local Iraqis are also eager for them to depart.
“We boil inside when we see these American soldiers drive by. There is no security here. If they stay we will fight them with our weapons,” said Ahmed Abdel Razak, puffing on a water pipe in a crowded market.
A man stopped his car to happily tell him that he had heard a U.S. tank had been attacked.
American troops in Falluja sometimes pause from their patrols to try to win the hearts and minds of Iraqis. But the public relations gestures often turn into verbal wars of attrition over electricity and water supply problems.
HOT AND NERVOUS
Standing in the blistering heat as Iraqis listed their complaints, an American soldier brushed from his uniform the white powdery residue of sweat.
His comrades nervously clutched M-4 semi-automatic rifles, securing the perimeter of a sidewalk crowded with Iraqis who did not buy the argument that rebuilding after war takes time.
“I am hoping that as long as I can get my mail and make some calls home, I can survive,” said Pvt. Torrence Gilliam, from Spartanburg, S.C.
NBC’s Jim Miklaszewski and Reuters contributed to this story.
current mood:  drained
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| Friday, July 11th, 2003
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3:38 pm - Tales of a typical unknowing car owner. (aka Tales of a sometimes dumb blonde)
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We have owned our car for 4 years and for 4 years I have always thought it was a 6 cylinder. So when I called Kabler Automotive in Temple for a tune up, I told her it was a 6 cylinder.
This morning after my tune up was over, she told me the price which was half of what she originally told me over the phone. I looked at her in shock and asked if that was right. She laughed and said your car is only a 4 cylinder by the way. My jaw dropped and I said "You're kidding!" No it's really a 4 cylinder, she said.
Well, don't I feel like the biggest idiot in the whole world?
current mood:  ditzy
current music: Jessica Andrews~There's More to Me than You
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, July 8th, 2003
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3:19 pm - Frightening & Odd
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Door bell rings. I peek out my kitchen window to see if there's a car in my drive way. There's not. I take a deep breath and open the door.
A large FBI ID is flashed in front of my face. the conversation is as follows:
FBI Agent:
"Sorry to bother you ma'am. I'm conducting a federal investigation on your old neighbor across the street ." "Can you tell me anything about them?"
Me:
[ Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<blink,>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] Door bell rings. I peek out my kitchen window to see if there's a car in my drive way. There's not. I take a deep breath and open the door. A large FBI ID is flashed in front of my face. the conversation is as follows: FBI Agent: "Sorry to bother you ma'am. I'm conducting a federal investigation on your old neighbor across the street <address given>." "Can you tell me anything about them?" Me: <blink, blink> "What's the matter?" FBI Agent: "They moved out in 2002. Did you know them?" Me: "No. We moved in at the very end of 2002." FBI Agent: "Well, do you know anyone who might have known them?" Me: "No, I'm sorry" I shut the door as he left. Gears shifting in my head. Time to meet all of my neighbors, not just the ones in close proximity.
current mood:  stressed
current music: the AC humming
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, July 7th, 2003
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7:22 pm - my life since february
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February 13: Admitted to the Wilford Hall Medical Centre in San Antonio at 25 weeks into my pregnancy for strict bed rest.
March 21: Released to my home for more strict bed rest.
April 7: The worst day of my life...Shane left for Iraq. No idea when he will return.
April 25: Dr's appointment; lab work comes back horribly bad.
April 26: Return to Darnall Army Community Hospital on L&D floor for more tests. They do not have my records so they send me home and tell me no news is good news.
April 27: Dr. calls very distraught. Tells me I need to return to the hospital ASAP for I could stroke out and both me and the baby would die. At 6:35pm, Averie Melissa was born 4 weeks early via emergency C-section. She weighed 5 pounds even and was 17 7/8 inches long.
April 27: Averie placed in the NICU for complications.
April 30: I was released from the hospital.
May 5: Averie finally got to come home from the hospital.
June 27: Averie gets her 2 month innoculations and finally weighs in at 8 pounds 10 ounces and is 20 1/2 inches long...the size of the average full term new born.
current mood:  depressed
current music: Jessica Andrews~You're the Man
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, April 21st, 2003
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4:45 pm - :-)
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Shane called me this morning. :-D I was soooo happy to hear his voice. He said he will more than likely be moving north sometime this week. I told him of a rumor that I heard from the other wives that they could be home as early as June or July (Averie will be only a month or two if that is the case :-) ) When I told him, he said that he has heard that also from several different ranking soldiers. He said that Continental airlines has a contract to start flying them out at that time. He said it's not concrete and still just a rumor. Knowing how the Army is, I will (be trying) not to get my hopes up. Pray for the best. Expect the worst.
******IN OTHER NEWS******
Three weeks from tomorrow (Tuesday) I will become solely responsible for another human being. That's right folks. Averie will be born on May 13th, via C-section. I'm a lil nervous.
current mood:  hopeful
current music: Shania Twain~Man! I Feel Like a Woman
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Friday, April 18th, 2003
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12:26 am
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I'm having a melt down.
Red face.
Teary eyes.
Empty house.
Silence.
I miss my Shane.
current mood: melancholy
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